Highs & Lows of Surgery Week
Today marks 5 days post-surgery, and overall, I’m happy to report that things are going fairly well. Cliff notes from this past week: drains suck, pain management has gone better than expected, I look deformed (for now), and I didn’t get something that I was really hopeful for. If you want the full story, keep reading.
First, let’s start with surgery. I’m pleased to announce that everything went as planned, and we had a relatively "boring" surgery—just the way I like it when it comes to medical procedures. I’m still waiting for the pathology results from my breast tissue, but the big news is that my sentinel node biopsy came back NEGATIVE for cancer! This means that I was 100% responsive to my chemo (at least in my lymph node), so they only had to take three nodes, significantly reducing my chances of lymphedema. Cue the happy dance—gently, of course.
As I came to from general anesthesia, I couldn’t feel much, thanks to a cocktail of Dilaudid, Fentanyl, and Oxycodone. They gave me my supplies for after-care and sent me on my way, because apparently, being heavily medicated and trying to function normally is totally fine. If my life were a soap opera, it would have been “As the World Turns” because standing or walking brought on a new level of nausea and disorientation. We made the ride back home, and I hobbled my way to the lift chair in my bedroom, which became my command center for the next few days.
The doctor suggested trying to shower the day after surgery. Yes, I realize this sounds insane, but I gave it a shot. Looking in the mirror and seeing the product of my surgery, complete with long rubber tubes coming out of holes on the side of my rib cage, was...disturbing. I had to remind myself that this is just temporary. My mother stood outside the curtain in case I fainted. Thankfully, I didn’t, but I made it about four minutes into the shower before I felt like I was going down. Whether it was the pain meds or the mind-bending experience of seeing my post-surgery self, I don’t know.
On my first day home from surgery, I received an email that dampened my spirits a bit. Grand Rapids ATHENA is an organization I’ve proudly served for about five years now. Every year, we have the ATHENA Awards, and I received six nominations this year, which really filled my cup. As someone who prefers to highlight others and generally flies under the radar, it felt good to finally feel seen. Sucks that it took cancer for it to happen, but hey...I’ll take what I can get. Anyway, Tuesday, I got the email that I wasn’t selected, and it sucked. But I’m not letting it dampen my spirits because I don’t need recognition from others to know that I’m not only taking on more than most could, but I’m also making the courageous act of sharing it. And I hope through my sharing, I’m helping others.
The rest of the week, I continued to improve daily. With the help of a “U” shaped pregnancy pillow, I’ve been able to move into my bed, although it doesn’t make sleeping on my back suck any less. I’m still living in a constant Tylenol/Motrin rotation, but after two days, I was only taking my Oxy at night, and I stopped doing that as of last night. My drains are terribly annoying—"so much tubing!" I have to "milk" my drains 3-4 times a day and am currently down to emptying them twice a day. Once their output is below 25 ml for two consecutive days, I can get them out. I’m holding onto hope that I can get some of them out at my post-op appointment on Tuesday.
I want to share a thought that’s been on my mind as I navigated my disappointment from ATHENA and coping with a new body. It's natural to seek validation from others—it's a human thing. But we shouldn't let our self-worth be defined by external approval. True confidence comes from within, from knowing and embracing who we are, flaws and all. It's about breaking free from the cycle of needing others to believe in us before we can believe in ourselves. Let's work towards finding validation from within, cultivating a sense of self that doesn't waver based on what others think. Remember, you are enough, just as you are, and your journey is unique and valuable—no external validation required.